Swine flu - what a time suck.

Keeping tabs on the H1N1 virus is becoming a full-time, unpaid job.

Instead of working diligently (or Tweeting and updating our Facebook status, let’s be honest), we’re dousing our desks with bleach, slathering on hand sanitizer and reading e-mail updates warning us about all things flu:

There’s not enough vaccine! The vaccine might kill you! It’s all a scam! Sneeze into your elbow! Avoid human contact! Invest in a bubble!

Ah, pestilence in the time of Internet access.

This is the H1N1 panic-inducing e-mail du jour:

“Gargle twice a day with warm salt water or Listerine. H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation.

“Clean your nostrils at least once every day with warm salt water. Blowing the nose hard once a day and swabbing both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.”

Not to mention popularity. Who wants to date someone with a Q-tip up his nose?

And viral worries are only the half of it - there’s germs, lots and lots of germs. The dirty grocery cart, the guy coughing in line behind us, the co-worker who tends to spit when he talks - could I have caught something just now?

Remember simpler times, when the only thing that caused November panic was Wal-Mart’s dwindling supply of Wii Fit?

Truly, we are out of our minds: Clorox Co., the makers of germ-killing bleach, reported a 23 perfect profit increase during its first quarter, thanks to our national obsession with H1N1. The Boston Archdiocese issued an edict encouraging parishioners to avoid physical contact during the sign of peace (though you could argue they just can’t let go of that “leave room for the Holy Ghost policy.”)

At Cornell University, students have adopted a no-handshaking policy at job fairs. And holy quarters! - Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York has told students they are no longer permitted to play beer pong, a popular social drinking game, because the shared cups reportedly caused an H1N1 outbreak.

A friend just reported shaking someone’s hand only to witness the shakee immediately drench himself with Purell, akin to making a “blech” face when you’re 10 and a relative gives you a slobbery kiss.

Sure, it’s smart to be safe, and who can argue with the merits of cleanliness - but the problem with the H1N1 pandemic is that paranoia has infected our minds before the virus can attack our immune systems.

And that’s a little sick.