This just in: Oprah has made it O-fficial.

In a major O-nnouncement that sent shockwaves from Chicago to Tokyo, Oprah Winfrey says she will end her groundbreaking talk show in 2011 to launch a TV network called OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network).

Some say Oprah’s popularity has suffered since she went political to get President O-bama into the O-val Office and subsequently failed to lure the O-lympics to her beloved Chicag-O.

But her show is watched by an estimated 42 million viewers in 145 countries, so she has unlimited O-pportunities.

A source close to Winfrey’s beloved iguana Dr. Phil said she plans to launch a satellite network called Radi-O Free Winfrey, star opposite George Clooney and Danny DeVito in “O, Sister Where Art Thou?” and make her Broadway debut in “Phantom of the Oprah.”

Stay tuned for details about her plan to clean up the O-ceans, save the O-zone layer and end America’s dependence on OPEC.

Hot on the helium-brained heels of yesterday’s mass-media “Balloon Boy” coverage, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News broke into their regular programming for dramatic live reports of a shocking story involving a young boy dressed in a wolf suit who had been kidnapped by ”Wild Things.”

When informed that the “Wild Things” story was actually a movie set to open this weekend, the media responded, “Oops. Never mind.”

Days after deriding President Obama’s pep talk to America’s schoolchildren as some sort of socialist plot, Republican congressmen heckled the president during a major speech on health care, lobbing spitballs and calling Obama a stinking, Nazi, big-government liar.

South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (right) and others responded to Obama’s appeal to join together for the good of the country by channeling a scene from “Animal House” — blurting out “death panel!” while pretending to cough into their hands.

Later it was discovered that GOP lawmakers had littered the floor of Congress with crumpled-up paper airplanes and used magic markers to scrawl “Obama loves Pelosi” and “Barack sucks” on the backs of chairs.

Though some Democrats slammed Wilson for his disrespectful outburst, key Republicans praised him for sucking up half the air time that might have been used to cover the actual speech.

Analysts say GOP reaction to the president’s speech proves his Republican foes aim are determined to turn one of the most important issues of our time into a political food fight.

Sunday was Sarah Palin’s last day as governor of Alaska, and now that the godless, East Coast liberal media has forced her to hand over her crown to the first runner-up, the former Miss Wasilla is aiming to become the first woman ever to claim a repeat title as Miss Communication.

WATCH: CNN iReport video of this story 

Palin’s natural flair for political pageantry endeared her to millions after John McCain crowned her Miss GOP Running Mate 2008, and the former Miss Alaska second runner-up strutted across that Bridge From Nowhere and wowed ’em with her lipstick on a pitbull hockey mom acceptance speech.

Critics dissed her as a dizzy diva, unqualified to run the country. But the popular Palin picked up several more titles out on the campaign trail, where she was crowned Miss Adventure, Miss Quotation and Miss Informed.

After the election, the glamorous governor continued to tout herself for the title of Miss Understood. However, sources say she missed the national spotlight in Alaska, where her hopes for fresh pageant glory seemed limited despite repeated nominations for Miss Behavior and Miss Conduct. 

The moment she announced her resignation, the foxy newsmaker was widely hailed as Miss Leader. And now that she’s quit, most pundits consider her a sexy, high-heeled shoo-in for Miss Calculation.

She can write those memoirs, keep posting bitter Tweet nothings on Twitter, and – if she plays her maverick cards right and gets more people to hate the socialist president – many believe that by 2012 she could earn the ultimate title … Miss Anti-America.

Today in the Michael Jackson Death Watch: Sister LaToya cries “Murder!” and the media jackals pounce; sources say she wants Michael laid to rest in Jackson Hole. And, as record and memorabilia sales soar, analysts estimate the singer’s death has generated at least $1.2 trillion dollars in jacko-nomic impact.

WATCH VIDEO: 13 O’Clock News anchorman Reid Page’s exclusive interview with professor Jack Michaels — one of the nation’s pre-eminent jackologists.